The dangers of children.....

My children have now become dangerous.  Besides the fact that my kids can all pass for children of the corn, I have never feared for my life around my children until the last two days.  My eldest two children actually drove my truck.  Jessie who was once too afraid to turn on the car has now driven in a straight line and did a three point turn, ok so it took like 20 minutes but she did it.  Ok not so scary I guess.  I just cant believe that the kid that rocked back and forth on the floor until she could propel herself forward to crawl can now drive(kinda) my ginormous suburban!!!  This is my baby girl who cried when she got a baby brother, ignored a baby sister and adored her other 3 baby brothers. Adored until they got old enough to be annoying at least.  This is my beautiful daughter who will cry at a song or a commercial and yelled at little boys for picking on her baby brother.  These are the fun moments but they also make you look at the last fifteen years and ask where they all went.  Was I a good enough mom?did i teach her to make good decisions? I will kill with my own bare hands anyone that hurts this girl!!!!! again more life lessons moments where i ask myself if i did a good enough job to let go and let her out on her own.  I think of all the stupid mistakes I made with boys and then men and my life and friends and what could i possibly tell her so she doesnt make the same mistakes???  Then when i take a short breath and breathe into a bag for a minute I try to remember that I have tried to do the very best for my children that I could, they have a great family to turn to should they need it, and great role model adults to look at for examples.  Ok panic attack over for the time being. 
Then I made a big mistake.  I let Jacob back the car out of the drive way and drive down to the next driveway.  Holy mother of heartattacks!!!!  First every little kid on the block was watching from across the street.  Now these are not the smartest of small children so I am positive that one of them is going to dart into the street.  Jacob si doing fine backing out then decides that he should hit the gas even tho mom has most vehemently said just ease off the brake DONT TOUCH THE GAS!!!!!  So we jerk backward then jerk forward when he hits the brake.  He gets the wheel turned around so we can now drive forward and for some reason the small children need to start asking him why he is driving a car and of course being my child he has to answer them but also turn his head and the wheel to do so.I tried to offer up the video game analogy for him but that didnt work.  Driving a car is not like driving a Mario Kart!!! Bad analogy!!!  Let us all just offer up a prayer of thanks that Jacob has another two years before he can drive. 

I think the biggest danger of having kids is you get so darn attached to them.  When they are small they are so helpless and need you for everything.  Then when they start to do things on their own you are so proud of them.  They get a bit older and go off to school and you are amazed at how far they have come and how much they absorb into those brains of theirs.  Then the teenage years hit and you can't believe this hormonal monster used to be your happy child that crawled up on your lap just to kiss you for nothing, just cuz they love you.  Then just as they become normal people again and you start to like them, they go and get lives of their own.  Thats the true danger of having kids....loving them and then having to let them go.

Someone explain it to me please

I would really like someone to explain to me what it is about me that attracts older men wearing undershirts and suspenders that hold up the pants that are tucked under their bellies, possibly missing a tooth or two, most of them balding.  Where are the average joes? Where are the guys that look like our friend's husbands?  Granted I dont have lots of friends that are divorced but half the population is divorced!!!  I am pretty sure the short balding men in undershirts have not been married.  There have to be other average looking men...or maybe above average?:)  Ok so I am a little obsessed with the dating thing....at this point I dont even want to date(ok maybe a little) but it would be nice to have someone normal looking that I would actually date show a smidge of interest in me!!!
Ok I think I got that out of my system for now.  Kids are doing well.  Kyle's bald spot is growing in nicely.  Kristian is getting his front teeth in.  Jacob is...well...Jacob...doing well in school.  Jared just had a blast on a weekend camping trip. Jess is trying to decide on how to design her high school ring. I thought the masonry symbol would be the perfect symbol for her....ya know cuz shes so into it...she thought masonry was when you kill people.  Cuz Argo would let you put that on a ring right?? Kait got her first junior high progress report and is doing excellent!!  Mark's house is coming along, the front room actually has walls now!!
All in all we are kind of back to our everyday chaos.  What would I actually do with some quiet time anyway????

Going out.....

Yes I go out every now and then even with six kids.  Thank you Jessielyn for babysitting.  So Friday a girlfriend and I go out to see Red Rebel County....a great Irish rock band we go to see when we can(love the new stuff guys&its was a great show).  You can't beat guys in kilts and combat boots!  It was bit crowded at the venue but we finally managed to find seats.  Unfortunately we happened to sit by this drunk smoker.  He started out just being the annoying drunk guy.  Then he became the guy you try to not make direct eye contact with even though he is staring at you, burning holes in you, undressing you with his eyes.  This unfortunately makes me laugh.  Not just giggle but really really laugh as I am trying to stare into space and look anywhere but at him.  Its kinda like driving past a car accident.  You don't want to look but you have to and then wish you didn't.  I made direct eye contact.  So of course I have to start the whole "My eyes!!! they burn!!!!!"which just makes me laugh even more.  Apparently laughter attracts drunk people.  Maybe it was a come hither kind of laughter???I was pretty sure it was holy cow could this buy be more annoying or more drunk laughter but what do I know?  So the guys walks over and starts rubbing my side!!ewwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!I smack his hand away and give my best you are a loser look.  He then puts his hand on my thigh and creeps up wards.  Seriously!!!Twice!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! I smack his hand away again and he has the nerve to ask why I don't like him?UMMMM cuz you a drunk smokey loser???Or wait maybe cuz you invaded my personal space?  After some yelling ans swearing the guy finally left defeated and thankfully without touching me again.  FOR REAL?? The guy smelled like a carton of cigarettes and he was so on top of us that my girlfriends shirt smelled like smoke when we left.  I know ladies I was crazy to turn down his advances.  Just like when the construction guys whistle or beep we are all nuts to ignore them!  I would honestly like to talk to someone who ever got a date out of meeting a woman by doing any of those things. 

As for the rest of my dating life, or non dating life as the case might be, I have pretty much given up hope of meeting someone decent online.  Is it worth weeding through the baldies and old guys and creepers and young guys who offer to send me pics of how excited I get them.  I am really glad you think my smile is nice but really I don't want to see your penis.  Some of the young guys seem genuine but i really don't want to date someone closer to my daughters age then my own.  So if anyone knows a semi hot semi rich guy  in his late 30's to early 40's who  likes kids send him my way.  And he really really needs to like kids!and chaos!and a busy lifestyle!and slightly overweight women! and dogs...gotta like dogs!ok and cats too!and if he can cook that would be great. That's all. That's not too much right?  I don't want to sound picky. 
OOOHHH forgot he cant be a smoker or a big drinker or a redhead...sorry drunk smokey guy at the bar I am sure you are a very nice person after you shower and sober up.

Puking....fer real

Last week Kristian was home sick for a day and stayed home from school, then Kait stayed home yesterday with some kind of stomach ailment.  I came home early from work and got home just as the other kids got home from school.  I sat down and put my feet up and asked if kait had puked anymore.  Well this just opened up a well of puking information from my children like i have never heard before.  For those of you who dont know I am a huge fan of Dane Cook and he does a whole routine on puking so of course we had to go through that.  Then Jacob proceeds to tell us how he hates the dry heaves in between the real puking.  Dry heaves by themselves later arent so bad...when all the puking is done and u have nothing left to puke...those in Jacob's estimation are ok.  Its the heaves in between that are horrible.  Also the fact that your body does the wierdest noises while you are puking.  Some awful noise between a gurgle and a groan and a belch and my boys can make impressively real puking noises when they want to. Jacob can also puke with a British accent cuz everything sounds better with a British accent.  How do u puke with an accent???  Ask Jacob.   Then commenced the attempts at making mommy puke cuz very often just the faked noises of puking can get me sick and I was already feeling a bit under the weather when the conversation started.  Only four boys could have a twenty minute discussion about puking and make mom laugh so hard she was crying and then make her want to hurl.  So I am sitting there laughing and crying and my dear daughter is inspecting my feet.  Again for those that dont know I have a foot aversion....pretty much the polar opposite of a foot fetish.  I hate feet and dont like anyone to touch mine.  So Jess my daughter is inspecting my toes.  She comments that I have teeny tiny toe nails.  She now goes into a wierd yoga/pretzel position to try to compare her toenails to mine.  What???why would we need to know who's nails were bigger??? Jacob then gets in on this ....as I am trying to escape what I equate to torture.  Jacob my dearest first born son then comments that my toes look like tiny little sausages.  Now comes one of those things that I swear will go in the book I am going to write of strange things my kids say as one of the top strange things.  Jess my honor student first born says "I wonder if I lick both of our toes who's would taste better?" What???!!!  First eeeeeewwwww why would you ever lick anyone's toe??  Second EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!  The germs and dirt even on the cleanest person's foot!!! It makes me want to have my tongue scraped just thinking about it.
Really I dont know what happens to my children's brains sometimes.  Is it from over work at school??  Is it sugar??  Is it dropping them on their heads as babies??  Who says stuff like this???Maybe it is me because who would want to write a book about stupid crazy wierd hilarious things their kids say??Like anyone is gonna read this book when I write it??
Welcome to a small peek at  my crazy insane chaotic hilarious fun world people!! I wouldnt trade a minute of any of it!!!

And for those of you who havent seen the Dane Cook puking routine...here's the link WATCH IT!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXhn5U1B9AU&p=FD1039D2B5186CA8&playnext=1&index=24

and here are two more just cuz i love dane and love to share a good laugh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sql4BOWT0y0&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UB0h9a1CBC4

Catching up

So it's been a bit since I wrote so I thought I would do a catch up session.  Jacob is doing ok after the passing of Bull and we have been to look at some dogs.  Mom put some size restrictions on the dog so we were looking at some pomapoo or shih poo type dogs until we got to Animal Welfare.  We were just going to look, yes I know Holly you warned me there is no such thing as looking, but Jacob fell in love with a long hair dachshund/ lab mix that he would like to name Hudson. She is 6 months old and very spunky.  Jacob unfortunately can not decide if he wants her badly enough to get his room cleaned up so the dog doesnt get lost or eat something like a lego and choke.  Secretly I hope she is still there when he does get his room clean because she was very cute.

I also never told the story of the corn.  Yes its kind of like children of the corn without the spooky theme music.  Back near Mother's Day Kyle planted some plants at school as part mother's day gift part science project.  Instead of choosing a flower for his mom Kyle chose corn to help feed his destitute family, thoughtful child that he is.   He brought them home and very nicely planted them in mom's wine barrel right by the front door.  At this point I did not realize they were corn.  As they got taller and taller I came to realize what they were and was pretty stuck with them in the wine barrel and figured they were at least green unlike many of the other plants in my front yard including the grass.  As actual ears of corn began we realized that we would get about 6 ears of corn, one for each child, and they were pretty excited about watching them grow and that at some point they would get to eat them.  One ear of corn went mutant for some unknown reason and Jess, unknown to her, was selflessly going to give up her ear of corn.  This ear actually looked like some kind of white styrofoam version of corn and got pretty gross looking but all that aside we were still excited about the corn.  Until last week that is.  I was enjoying a quiet moment on my comfy lawn chair and thinking what a great fall sound the rustling of the corn was and how it would make a great back drop for a fall scarecrow and turned to look fondly at Kyle's corn plants.  Thats when I noticed they seemed to be moving.  At closer inspection the corn was infested with grasshoppers.  Locusts!!!!!  My crop had been infected with the one of the Ten Plagues of Egypt...number eight to be specific!!!!  Ok people I know I have had kind of a bad run lately....divorce..online dating not going so well...crossdressers..kid with a bald spot...losing our dog...but a plague???  What could I possibly have done in a past life to have deserved this??  Nina my dear friend is convinced I was some sort of marriage breaking animal torturing serial killer.  I am hoping that rule of bad things in threes has got to give out at some multiple level.....4 groups of 3 things??

On a brighter note, ok not really but whatever, I am not seeing the hottie I had gone out on a few dates with anymore.  I am not looking for someone who's ego I have to boost all the time or someone who doesn't understand I have a busy schedule and I can't just always drive and hour to and from his place. So what I have learned from online dating.....Chat online to get to know each other, If you email someone and they dont email back dont take it personally, do not open all your parameters to only require breathing and not currently in jail, and just cuz someone has a good personality online doesnt mean that translates into real life.
I honestly believe I will find someone who will appreciate, respect, and love me at some point and be able to accept my kids and my chaotic life too. If they are willing to wear a kilt while they do all that loving and respecting stuff that is a huge bonus. I am in no big hurry, good things come to those who wait. In the meantime they will all make great blog material. 

Life Lessons

Many of you know by now that we had to put down our dog Bull that we have had for about 12 years.  A very sad day in our household especially for Jacob who was especially attached to him, besides the fact that Saturday is Jacobs birthday.  I am heartbroken for Jacob.  I wish i could shield him from the pain of this.  What parent doesn't want to protect their child from the hurts and pains of life??  But then I take a step back and look at my soon to be 14year old who is so much braver and smarter and wiser then I was at 14.  If we don't let them experience all this pain and hurt then how do they experience the joys and happy things in life?  I want my children to know all aspects of life and if i don't let them hit the low points how do they hit the highs?   I wish I could protect them from life and wrap them in a bubble and keep them from the mean world but i want them to LIVE!  Aaaahhh the joys and pains of being a parent.  I wish i could freeze moments from their lives and keep them in a special place.  All of the silly quotes that i swear i am gonna put in a book one day.....Don't eat bologna off your brothers head.  I think you need a bath kristian,,i think you need a smack in the head.....jessica standing next to the vacuum for 15 minutes asking me where the vacuum is......jared walking out of the bathroom and saying i just peed in my own eyeball.....crazy crazy things but they make me crack up every time i think about them.   Moments where my own kids who could kill each other any given day and today when i tell the younger kids Bull is gone and they are all worried how Jacob is....these are the moments i treasure as a parent.  At some point all my kids will be gone and I know i will cherish the silence for about 15minutes and then i will miss the crazy chaos that is my life right now.  Ozzy summed it up very nicely on his tv show when he told his kids   "I love you all. I love you more than life itself, but you're all fucking mad."   Yep that describes it pretty well.

ahhhhh school days

Full time school for a family of six is a blessed thing for the mom.  I dont have to worry about everyone all day while i am at work, just for the two hours until i get home after they get home from school.  So far things are going oooohhh whats a good word for it.....atrociously???  Kristian has hidden, ripped up, or crumpled homework that last two days so he didnt have to do it.  Kyle is grounded until there is snow on the ground of course and cries about it everyday.  Jacob has hit teenage boy hormones and is ready to battle anyone over anything.  Today Jessica walked to Mark's house(my ex for some who might not know) and then realized there was no more hidden spare key.  Thats why she was supposed to call any given day before she goes to Dad's house.  Kait is doing very well besides the fact that she still says she will kick anyone's ass if they start crap with her.  I am just happy no one has said anything to her yet.  Jared is well just Jared....still doesnt want his hair cut but otherwise is pretty goofy but mellow until it comes to going Krys's house.....then forget he wont leave me alone till he gets there.
Online dating??How's that going???...let's seee what's a good word for it.......atrociously????So the one crossdresser seems like a very nice person and a bit lonely so I have continued to talk to him via email.  I know I know...but he seems lonely and I kinda feel bad for him...at least we could go shopping together.  Other wise I am at a standstill.  The guy I thought would be great is not so great.  The Nashville guy...well he lives in Nashville.  I can only hope that some darkhaired, blue eyed, six foot gentlemen walks into pub night tonight and sweeps me off my feet.  Yes I am pathetically and hopeless a dreamer and a romantic.